Gloopy's Big Adventure
Look Your Heart in the Mirror™
I do things like nobody else, sometimes. Spring break at Daytona Beach, I had a head of lettuce left over in the fridge. I looked down from my room balcony to the swimming pool, five stories below. There was a grandstand of people watching a belly flop contest. I reared back and threw the lettuce full speed torpedo style straight down into the center of the swimming pool. The crowd saw something hit the water. During the quiet seconds of anticipation, I crouched and hid behind the balcony wall. I had no idea what would happen. I peeked over the wall just in time to see the leaves of lettuce simultaneously appear at the water’s surface, spread out and gently floating in perfect symmetry. The pool transformed into a lily pond right before the spectators’ eyes.
In the case of Look Your Heart in the Mirror™ I wanted to throw my soul full speed into the depths of the human condition and find a piece of undiscovered knowledge. I wanted to be a hero, find hidden treasure, discover a new truth that could cure the ills of society that hindered me from living a full life. I knew there must be something out there, somewhere, that nobody had found.
I had seen through Christianity, and when I finally whispered to myself, "I don't believe it" my mission was clear. I would find something new and sacrifice my soul to do it. I had moved to Coeur d'Alene from Denver on a soul whim, to find my truest self and my destiny. Walking down the beautiful pine lined street, considering God ordering genocide in the Bible; did he or didn't he? He didn't. They made it up. A weight lifted off my shoulders, and my eyes opened wide. It was the true me, wide open, not conflicted by Bible verses telling me how to be or what was right, I was born again, again.
I declared and narrated my superhero adventure on the internet. My pen name was Gloopyboy. Gloopy means stupid in Russian, but I thought it meant clever, from my time as a Russian linguist in the army. My on-line mantra was "Reality is God, when you pretend or lie you cease to exist you die."
I told my wife I wanted to have a girlfriend, I didn't want a divorce, a broken family, but I did want to find true love. We didn't have any intimacy at all and neither of us cared to have any. She said it would be OK by her. Wow. My mission was starting off GREAT. Soon enough I had a girlfriend, a scholarly type living in a beautiful, secluded lakefront cabin.
I ranted and made hilarious and entertaining proclamations antagonizing the mostly Christian audience at NewsMax.com forum. "I'm married and have a girlfriend..." Most of the time I was sitting at work, where I was a graveyard shift technical support representative for Microsoft products. On-line discussion forums were new, so I was a bit of a pioneer. Being on graveyard shift was perfect, since we only got maybe three hours worth of calls in a ten hour shift. It was incredibly fun. If a woman called, and there was any attraction to her voice, I went along with it, and flirted outrageously for fun. I was all about making every waking moment fun and adventurous.
"Everybody sucks but me, everybody sucks but me" was a sing along song I sang with my kids marching in a circle around the living room. They met my girlfriend and hung out with her without any issues. My wife was German and the girlfriend was half Jewish, so them getting together for coffee was interesting.
Against my better judgment, which I refused to listen to, due to my mission, I emailed a woman customer who was originally from East Germany after she had called in for tech support. She had recently lost her husband in an auto accident. We exchanged affection and she loved my writing and wanted to hire me to write her memoirs. I would move to Texas for 6 months and be a writer and get paid for it, but then we had a debate about the Bible. I was VERY good at making my points, as a brutally tough debater on-line as Gloopyboy; they said I was the king. She wasn’t ready for that. She got pummeled so she took revenge, telling Microsoft I was a threat to women, that I had somehow lured her into some peril. I got fired.
I was ashamed, but not because of her. I had been flirting carelessly with lady customers for a year without getting caught. I knew I was "unprofessional" and deserved to get fired. My customer satisfaction scores were near the top and so were my statistics. I was the best there was at my job, just like I was the best linguist in the army. But I had never fit in with polite obedient society. I always wanted more than behaving for the puppet show.
My self-esteem dropped hard. The thought of being a crusader hero almost evaporated, but I got my act together enough to go to work writing for a new magazine and got tasked to do an ad for a kid's gymnastics center and ended up taking hundreds of pictures of kids doing their routines and having fun. I sold some of them to the parents and made a huge collage that they hung on the wall. I spent hours laying out the advertisement perfectly, but the magazine owner edited out two kids’ photos in order to enlarge a glamour shot of the prettiest girl. I was incensed and heartbroken. It’s hard to describe how bad it hurt, how excited I was to see the ad in print and how disappointed I was to see it distorted. Imagine being one of the kids whose picture got cut so the prettiest girl’s picture could be bigger. I wanted to SCREAM!!! My anger at society was growing hateful.
I went into real estate, and quickly excelled. I felt euphoric. I loved it, but my mission demanded I be real. Real to me meant doing what I wanted to do, despite, or to spite, polite society’s standards. I got caught misbehaving, a stupid tryst in a vacant house, dumber than dumb. But it wasn't red handed, so I lied to save my job. I pretended to be innocent, but I was a liar. The woman receptionists looked at me with seething cold hatred every day for two months. They knew I was lying. My self-esteem went way down. More and more of my soul became cloaked. I went through four or five progressively shorter duration "this is the one" girlfriends until my wife divorced me. i wept.
Due to my wounded ego, I accepted two people deep into my life whose values were completely opposite to mine. She was a society girl, totally into appearances, climbing the ladder, no interest in anything remotely intellectual. He was a barfly, easy going and cool, very smart, but purposefully destroying himself through dope and liquor. "Here for a good time, not a long time" was his motto.
He became my best friend, constant companion, strong mentor and high stakes business customer; he always drove. She became my all-time most prized beautiful and loved girlfriend. We talked for hours every night for a year. She had the sunniest smile on earth. I wanted to be with her so much. Her kids and mine made us the Brady Bunch, almost exactly. Unfortunately, he and she had the world in common and lived on the same lake, 300 miles away from me. The first night we met, we rode in his SUV, in the back seat. He slowed on a rural highway to a near stop, the revved the engine and slowed, revved and slowed, four or five times, so that we were in a sexual motion, it was obvious. I felt her heart was attracted to him, there was a spark. She heard his "message" and liked it. I KNEW she would fall for him, but I pretended not to, hoping against myself, lying to myself, as usual... she was so nice, a girl scout mom type. I was safe with her.
Being with them, or being accepted by them, despite my recent downfalls, revived my fun, optimistic "I can do anything" spark. I revealed my intentions and my deepest beliefs to her, but she was not impressed at all, and was even a little nasty about it at times. Neither of them had any deep inner questions; they were content with themselves, successful, confident, and popular. Nothing I cared about mattered much to them.
A woman real estate customer called me, she wanted out of her listing contract. I told her it was going to expire soon anyway, and I was on my way to Seattle, I’d handle it when I got back. I didn't have to cancel the listing, it's a contract. She took revenge for my non-compliance with her wishes and called the office to say I was horrible, came on to her, or whatever. I did flirt with her a little, when she came to the door in a bathing suit for our first appointment six months earlier. She didn’t seem to mind then, she signed the listing and we were friendly. I was gradually more and more uncomfortable with myself and I made a couple stupid comments to her, but that’s all. I got fired again.
I was failing completely and miserably. I was not a hero. I didn’t have what it took to change the world. I completely forgot about my mission and just wanted to be a normal person. They were both there for me, at least as much as you can be, and I felt safe with them, but only them; the rest of the world hated me.
He wore a jacket with the word "Love" on it. He got me under his spell, he seemed truly good, almost infallible. His eyes blazed and he could make them spin. He turned one of my bright real estate ideas into tons of money and we had lots of fun making it. I revered him, but so did she. She gradually lost interest in me and turned to him after he drove her one time from Seattle to see me (five hours alone with him in his awesome SUV with his awesome stereo). My heart ached in agony. One night unable to sleep, my eyes bolted open with the realization, they were in love. I could do nothing.
Of course she denied it, and he pretended nothing was happening. He had told me early on he was going to screw her, that he was enormous "9 inches with diameter." I didn’t take it as a serious threat at the time, because he was such a slouch, and it was before they became super sweet to each other. But the huge phallic image was forced into my mind. I told her what he said about screwing her; mistake. He had me where he wanted me. He was my customer and only friend in this toughest time, I needed his business. My confidence was seriously waning, the way he did everything with ease as I struggled with life itself, the way he was being with my girlfriend, it was torturing me. He knew it.
One day we were in Seattle at one of his friend’s house, and there was a porno on TV. A woman was performing fellatio on a guy, she made it look delicious. A few weeks later, we were at Olive Garden, I was about to put a bread stick in my mouth, traces of my "be real" mission were still there, I blushed innocently at the thought of putting that in my mouth, and he saw it.
A few days later, we got in his SUV, before he started the car slumped back in his seat and mildly projected his crotch, "Yeah, suck my dick.". Men had suggested such things, but this was different. I figured if I just ignored it, it would go away, he’d get the message, NO. No one is THAT awful, to insist on such a thing, directly. NEVER would ANYONE EVER say that twice. Would they? No, he never said it again, but he turned even more terrible sending purely evil shock voltage into my heart and mind like lightning from the blue sky he struck; out of nowhere, over and over again, every time we were alone.
He’d look me piercingly in the eye and lick his lips, or avert my eyes to his wide-open crotch, or slurp. It was piercing pure evil, excruciating, impossible. Deeper and deeper I froze in anguish. More and more desperately I needed her to stop liking him. But the opposite happened. The more pathetic he made me, the less she cared about me, she adored him and flaunted herself when he was around. My agony deepened. I told her, but she didn't believe me, and it just made me look worse.
I was at her beautiful waterfront house on Tapps Island, Washington. It was early morning. Her soon to be ex-husband had stalked me, threatened me and pulled me from my car, hit and kicked me and menaced me for months. He was brutally tough and I was the last person on earth to get into a fight. Someone pulled up to her house on a jet ski. I was scared it was him, so I hid. But it wasn’t him, it was my "friend" who lived across the lake. He was so cool smiling huge in his styling sunglasses. With me standing right there, he asked her, "where's your bedroom?" I was so frigging helpless. She happily pointed it out. He could walk right up to her bedroom door any time and knock. I pictured it happening.
He "cordially" invited us and our kids over to his place on the other side of the lake for a camp out. Having nothing better to do, we went. Her ex-husband didn't know of that place, so it was a hideout. Toward nightfall, I was getting the kids ready for bed in the tents. He sat with her at the fire, so romantic. She liked him with abandon, they were like twins; they both had these blazing beautiful eyes and enrapturing personalities. I was murdered emotionally by their glowing friendship. "Mike understands me," she finally said, after denying the obvious a thousand times. I was and felt like a loser. My entire life boiled down to failure.
Then the abysmal annihilation, he and I were golfing together, as we had many times. I went into the trees to pee; as I got back in to drive the cart, he told me to whip it out. I froze in crinkled terror and started driving. Usually he drove. I was his sidekick. Out of nowhere, a deep penetrating command from the boss, "Bend over, I’ll drive."
My "be real" instinct had me visualize this, and the violence he meant by it. A massive projectile speared murderously into my guts. Death billowed all through my soul, sickening beyond description, I crumpled inside, TOTAL meltdown, life force completely gone. I collapsed completely in DEATH on the spot. I wondered instantly how I could EVER recover.
My body and mind were electrocuted and abominated. I tried to repress it. I was nothing but swelling awful sick pain, I begged her to touch me, but she wouldn’t. AGONY. I was so useless. She dumped me. Over several months, I became pure chaos, a rabid dog, inhuman, a monster, especially to my two boys. I got fired again, and basically went very crazy.
One of the things I did as part of my mission was to watch people at dance clubs. I wanted to solve the riddles behind mating, sex and the powerful emotions and dysfunctional life dramas they created. I lived in Germany two plus years, there everyone stands around the dance floor until they feel like dancing. I went out all the time. I got used to doing that. I didn’t even remotely think that standing around the dance floor might look weird, but it did, once I went crazy.
I tried really hard to still be the same me. I still went out, still stood by the dance floor. I still tried to be outgoing and gallivanting. But the twisting in my eyes and my crumpled posture from being in shock sent red alert signals. Tons of people had seen me taking pictures of kids. People decided in their mind that I was a stalker, a pedophile, a sex offender, a rapist, etc. If I tried to dance or even talk with someone, within seconds someone else would come and tell her I was a sex offender. I was kicked out of places. Waitresses wouldn’t wait on me.
People lied about me like it was OK to do because I was crazy, and who cares about a crazy person. Three huge men surrounded me, told me they were going to kill me if I didn’t leave right now. One guy slugged me in the face for looking at him weird. This went on relentlessly for a couple years. I didn't stop going out, though; I didn't let them control me. I just kept dancing and trying my best to be a part of society.
It looked weird, they called me the candlestick man, cause I held my arm up like I was holding a candle. Turns out that mimics the painting I did twenty years earlier, that turns out to be Coeur d'Alene and the spiritual battlefield it became for me.
Despite my emotional insanity, my thinking mind still functioned for a while, and I was totally into real estate development. I designed high profile state of the art projects, truly better than anything out there, but no one would invest. I was going psycho.
I was within an inch of having two projects go through. I had earnest money agreements. I would created a robust downtown Hayden and turned the area by the Fred Meyer barn into a city within a city. Everyone who saw the projects said they were genius, but no one would invest no matter how I begged. I was crazy.
My heart was shattered over and over again, every time I had a high hope; failure, rejection, misery. I went broke, got evicted, became a beggar, and lived in inestimable torment, paranoia, derangement, bodily chaos, unprecedented HELL for what seemed like forever. I was ostracized, maligned, ridiculed, vilified, and literally stamped upon by ALL society for YEARS.
I had to recover. It couldn’t be that hard to do, could it? I was a very smart guy and just wanted to be good. I was no angel but I sure as hell wasn’t a devil. I started to read books. I read "Soul Without Shame," by Byron Brown, over and over again till it fell apart. It referred to A.H. Almaas’s work, which I found a couple years later at Hastings, thank God, it saved me.
I went to dozens of Landmark Education self-improvement seminars. They helped me realize how twisted I really was, but came nowhere near actually healing me. Someone advised I read Deepak Chopra. I had seen him on TV many years ago, but I was Christian then, so I figured what he was saying must be spooky devil stuff. "The Way of the Wizard" was in the library, I checked it out. It said, "When you seek, begin in your heart. The cave of the heart is the home of truth."
I looked in the mirror at a broken, frantic, wretched psycho. I looked at my heart. I closed my eyes, and let the life from my heart fill my being. I was inside my heart, it felt nice and happy. I inwardly said, "this is me" to the me in my heart, the same way I normally think it about my image in the mirror. BOOM!
I was innocent, free, full of love, joy; and it was ME!!! Frozen energy immediately released from my guts. My mind exploded in light. It was not a thought, it was REALITY.
"THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!"
Look Your Heart in the Mirror™
Mirror Jewelry
Look Your Heart in the Mirror™
I do things like nobody else, sometimes. Spring break at Daytona Beach, I had a head of lettuce left over in the fridge. I looked down from my room balcony to the swimming pool, five stories below. There was a grandstand of people watching a belly flop contest. I reared back and threw the lettuce full speed torpedo style straight down into the center of the swimming pool. The crowd saw something hit the water. During the quiet seconds of anticipation, I crouched and hid behind the balcony wall. I had no idea what would happen. I peeked over the wall just in time to see the leaves of lettuce simultaneously appear at the water’s surface, spread out and gently floating in perfect symmetry. The pool transformed into a lily pond right before the spectators’ eyes.
In the case of Look Your Heart in the Mirror™ I wanted to throw my soul full speed into the depths of the human condition and find a piece of undiscovered knowledge. I wanted to be a hero, find hidden treasure, discover a new truth that could cure the ills of society that hindered me from living a full life. I knew there must be something out there, somewhere, that nobody had found.
I had seen through Christianity, and when I finally whispered to myself, "I don't believe it" my mission was clear. I would find something new and sacrifice my soul to do it. I had moved to Coeur d'Alene from Denver on a soul whim, to find my truest self and my destiny. Walking down the beautiful pine lined street, considering God ordering genocide in the Bible; did he or didn't he? He didn't. They made it up. A weight lifted off my shoulders, and my eyes opened wide. It was the true me, wide open, not conflicted by Bible verses telling me how to be or what was right, I was born again, again.
I declared and narrated my superhero adventure on the internet. My pen name was Gloopyboy. Gloopy means stupid in Russian, but I thought it meant clever, from my time as a Russian linguist in the army. My on-line mantra was "Reality is God, when you pretend or lie you cease to exist you die."
I told my wife I wanted to have a girlfriend, I didn't want a divorce, a broken family, but I did want to find true love. We didn't have any intimacy at all and neither of us cared to have any. She said it would be OK by her. Wow. My mission was starting off GREAT. Soon enough I had a girlfriend, a scholarly type living in a beautiful, secluded lakefront cabin.
I ranted and made hilarious and entertaining proclamations antagonizing the mostly Christian audience at NewsMax.com forum. "I'm married and have a girlfriend..." Most of the time I was sitting at work, where I was a graveyard shift technical support representative for Microsoft products. On-line discussion forums were new, so I was a bit of a pioneer. Being on graveyard shift was perfect, since we only got maybe three hours worth of calls in a ten hour shift. It was incredibly fun. If a woman called, and there was any attraction to her voice, I went along with it, and flirted outrageously for fun. I was all about making every waking moment fun and adventurous.
"Everybody sucks but me, everybody sucks but me" was a sing along song I sang with my kids marching in a circle around the living room. They met my girlfriend and hung out with her without any issues. My wife was German and the girlfriend was half Jewish, so them getting together for coffee was interesting.
Against my better judgment, which I refused to listen to, due to my mission, I emailed a woman customer who was originally from East Germany after she had called in for tech support. She had recently lost her husband in an auto accident. We exchanged affection and she loved my writing and wanted to hire me to write her memoirs. I would move to Texas for 6 months and be a writer and get paid for it, but then we had a debate about the Bible. I was VERY good at making my points, as a brutally tough debater on-line as Gloopyboy; they said I was the king. She wasn’t ready for that. She got pummeled so she took revenge, telling Microsoft I was a threat to women, that I had somehow lured her into some peril. I got fired.
I was ashamed, but not because of her. I had been flirting carelessly with lady customers for a year without getting caught. I knew I was "unprofessional" and deserved to get fired. My customer satisfaction scores were near the top and so were my statistics. I was the best there was at my job, just like I was the best linguist in the army. But I had never fit in with polite obedient society. I always wanted more than behaving for the puppet show.
My self-esteem dropped hard. The thought of being a crusader hero almost evaporated, but I got my act together enough to go to work writing for a new magazine and got tasked to do an ad for a kid's gymnastics center and ended up taking hundreds of pictures of kids doing their routines and having fun. I sold some of them to the parents and made a huge collage that they hung on the wall. I spent hours laying out the advertisement perfectly, but the magazine owner edited out two kids’ photos in order to enlarge a glamour shot of the prettiest girl. I was incensed and heartbroken. It’s hard to describe how bad it hurt, how excited I was to see the ad in print and how disappointed I was to see it distorted. Imagine being one of the kids whose picture got cut so the prettiest girl’s picture could be bigger. I wanted to SCREAM!!! My anger at society was growing hateful.
I went into real estate, and quickly excelled. I felt euphoric. I loved it, but my mission demanded I be real. Real to me meant doing what I wanted to do, despite, or to spite, polite society’s standards. I got caught misbehaving, a stupid tryst in a vacant house, dumber than dumb. But it wasn't red handed, so I lied to save my job. I pretended to be innocent, but I was a liar. The woman receptionists looked at me with seething cold hatred every day for two months. They knew I was lying. My self-esteem went way down. More and more of my soul became cloaked. I went through four or five progressively shorter duration "this is the one" girlfriends until my wife divorced me. i wept.
Due to my wounded ego, I accepted two people deep into my life whose values were completely opposite to mine. She was a society girl, totally into appearances, climbing the ladder, no interest in anything remotely intellectual. He was a barfly, easy going and cool, very smart, but purposefully destroying himself through dope and liquor. "Here for a good time, not a long time" was his motto.
He became my best friend, constant companion, strong mentor and high stakes business customer; he always drove. She became my all-time most prized beautiful and loved girlfriend. We talked for hours every night for a year. She had the sunniest smile on earth. I wanted to be with her so much. Her kids and mine made us the Brady Bunch, almost exactly. Unfortunately, he and she had the world in common and lived on the same lake, 300 miles away from me. The first night we met, we rode in his SUV, in the back seat. He slowed on a rural highway to a near stop, the revved the engine and slowed, revved and slowed, four or five times, so that we were in a sexual motion, it was obvious. I felt her heart was attracted to him, there was a spark. She heard his "message" and liked it. I KNEW she would fall for him, but I pretended not to, hoping against myself, lying to myself, as usual... she was so nice, a girl scout mom type. I was safe with her.
Being with them, or being accepted by them, despite my recent downfalls, revived my fun, optimistic "I can do anything" spark. I revealed my intentions and my deepest beliefs to her, but she was not impressed at all, and was even a little nasty about it at times. Neither of them had any deep inner questions; they were content with themselves, successful, confident, and popular. Nothing I cared about mattered much to them.
A woman real estate customer called me, she wanted out of her listing contract. I told her it was going to expire soon anyway, and I was on my way to Seattle, I’d handle it when I got back. I didn't have to cancel the listing, it's a contract. She took revenge for my non-compliance with her wishes and called the office to say I was horrible, came on to her, or whatever. I did flirt with her a little, when she came to the door in a bathing suit for our first appointment six months earlier. She didn’t seem to mind then, she signed the listing and we were friendly. I was gradually more and more uncomfortable with myself and I made a couple stupid comments to her, but that’s all. I got fired again.
I was failing completely and miserably. I was not a hero. I didn’t have what it took to change the world. I completely forgot about my mission and just wanted to be a normal person. They were both there for me, at least as much as you can be, and I felt safe with them, but only them; the rest of the world hated me.
He wore a jacket with the word "Love" on it. He got me under his spell, he seemed truly good, almost infallible. His eyes blazed and he could make them spin. He turned one of my bright real estate ideas into tons of money and we had lots of fun making it. I revered him, but so did she. She gradually lost interest in me and turned to him after he drove her one time from Seattle to see me (five hours alone with him in his awesome SUV with his awesome stereo). My heart ached in agony. One night unable to sleep, my eyes bolted open with the realization, they were in love. I could do nothing.
Of course she denied it, and he pretended nothing was happening. He had told me early on he was going to screw her, that he was enormous "9 inches with diameter." I didn’t take it as a serious threat at the time, because he was such a slouch, and it was before they became super sweet to each other. But the huge phallic image was forced into my mind. I told her what he said about screwing her; mistake. He had me where he wanted me. He was my customer and only friend in this toughest time, I needed his business. My confidence was seriously waning, the way he did everything with ease as I struggled with life itself, the way he was being with my girlfriend, it was torturing me. He knew it.
One day we were in Seattle at one of his friend’s house, and there was a porno on TV. A woman was performing fellatio on a guy, she made it look delicious. A few weeks later, we were at Olive Garden, I was about to put a bread stick in my mouth, traces of my "be real" mission were still there, I blushed innocently at the thought of putting that in my mouth, and he saw it.
A few days later, we got in his SUV, before he started the car slumped back in his seat and mildly projected his crotch, "Yeah, suck my dick.". Men had suggested such things, but this was different. I figured if I just ignored it, it would go away, he’d get the message, NO. No one is THAT awful, to insist on such a thing, directly. NEVER would ANYONE EVER say that twice. Would they? No, he never said it again, but he turned even more terrible sending purely evil shock voltage into my heart and mind like lightning from the blue sky he struck; out of nowhere, over and over again, every time we were alone.
He’d look me piercingly in the eye and lick his lips, or avert my eyes to his wide-open crotch, or slurp. It was piercing pure evil, excruciating, impossible. Deeper and deeper I froze in anguish. More and more desperately I needed her to stop liking him. But the opposite happened. The more pathetic he made me, the less she cared about me, she adored him and flaunted herself when he was around. My agony deepened. I told her, but she didn't believe me, and it just made me look worse.
I was at her beautiful waterfront house on Tapps Island, Washington. It was early morning. Her soon to be ex-husband had stalked me, threatened me and pulled me from my car, hit and kicked me and menaced me for months. He was brutally tough and I was the last person on earth to get into a fight. Someone pulled up to her house on a jet ski. I was scared it was him, so I hid. But it wasn’t him, it was my "friend" who lived across the lake. He was so cool smiling huge in his styling sunglasses. With me standing right there, he asked her, "where's your bedroom?" I was so frigging helpless. She happily pointed it out. He could walk right up to her bedroom door any time and knock. I pictured it happening.
He "cordially" invited us and our kids over to his place on the other side of the lake for a camp out. Having nothing better to do, we went. Her ex-husband didn't know of that place, so it was a hideout. Toward nightfall, I was getting the kids ready for bed in the tents. He sat with her at the fire, so romantic. She liked him with abandon, they were like twins; they both had these blazing beautiful eyes and enrapturing personalities. I was murdered emotionally by their glowing friendship. "Mike understands me," she finally said, after denying the obvious a thousand times. I was and felt like a loser. My entire life boiled down to failure.
Then the abysmal annihilation, he and I were golfing together, as we had many times. I went into the trees to pee; as I got back in to drive the cart, he told me to whip it out. I froze in crinkled terror and started driving. Usually he drove. I was his sidekick. Out of nowhere, a deep penetrating command from the boss, "Bend over, I’ll drive."
My "be real" instinct had me visualize this, and the violence he meant by it. A massive projectile speared murderously into my guts. Death billowed all through my soul, sickening beyond description, I crumpled inside, TOTAL meltdown, life force completely gone. I collapsed completely in DEATH on the spot. I wondered instantly how I could EVER recover.
My body and mind were electrocuted and abominated. I tried to repress it. I was nothing but swelling awful sick pain, I begged her to touch me, but she wouldn’t. AGONY. I was so useless. She dumped me. Over several months, I became pure chaos, a rabid dog, inhuman, a monster, especially to my two boys. I got fired again, and basically went very crazy.
One of the things I did as part of my mission was to watch people at dance clubs. I wanted to solve the riddles behind mating, sex and the powerful emotions and dysfunctional life dramas they created. I lived in Germany two plus years, there everyone stands around the dance floor until they feel like dancing. I went out all the time. I got used to doing that. I didn’t even remotely think that standing around the dance floor might look weird, but it did, once I went crazy.
I tried really hard to still be the same me. I still went out, still stood by the dance floor. I still tried to be outgoing and gallivanting. But the twisting in my eyes and my crumpled posture from being in shock sent red alert signals. Tons of people had seen me taking pictures of kids. People decided in their mind that I was a stalker, a pedophile, a sex offender, a rapist, etc. If I tried to dance or even talk with someone, within seconds someone else would come and tell her I was a sex offender. I was kicked out of places. Waitresses wouldn’t wait on me.
People lied about me like it was OK to do because I was crazy, and who cares about a crazy person. Three huge men surrounded me, told me they were going to kill me if I didn’t leave right now. One guy slugged me in the face for looking at him weird. This went on relentlessly for a couple years. I didn't stop going out, though; I didn't let them control me. I just kept dancing and trying my best to be a part of society.
It looked weird, they called me the candlestick man, cause I held my arm up like I was holding a candle. Turns out that mimics the painting I did twenty years earlier, that turns out to be Coeur d'Alene and the spiritual battlefield it became for me.
Despite my emotional insanity, my thinking mind still functioned for a while, and I was totally into real estate development. I designed high profile state of the art projects, truly better than anything out there, but no one would invest. I was going psycho.
I was within an inch of having two projects go through. I had earnest money agreements. I would created a robust downtown Hayden and turned the area by the Fred Meyer barn into a city within a city. Everyone who saw the projects said they were genius, but no one would invest no matter how I begged. I was crazy.
My heart was shattered over and over again, every time I had a high hope; failure, rejection, misery. I went broke, got evicted, became a beggar, and lived in inestimable torment, paranoia, derangement, bodily chaos, unprecedented HELL for what seemed like forever. I was ostracized, maligned, ridiculed, vilified, and literally stamped upon by ALL society for YEARS.
I had to recover. It couldn’t be that hard to do, could it? I was a very smart guy and just wanted to be good. I was no angel but I sure as hell wasn’t a devil. I started to read books. I read "Soul Without Shame," by Byron Brown, over and over again till it fell apart. It referred to A.H. Almaas’s work, which I found a couple years later at Hastings, thank God, it saved me.
I went to dozens of Landmark Education self-improvement seminars. They helped me realize how twisted I really was, but came nowhere near actually healing me. Someone advised I read Deepak Chopra. I had seen him on TV many years ago, but I was Christian then, so I figured what he was saying must be spooky devil stuff. "The Way of the Wizard" was in the library, I checked it out. It said, "When you seek, begin in your heart. The cave of the heart is the home of truth."
I looked in the mirror at a broken, frantic, wretched psycho. I looked at my heart. I closed my eyes, and let the life from my heart fill my being. I was inside my heart, it felt nice and happy. I inwardly said, "this is me" to the me in my heart, the same way I normally think it about my image in the mirror. BOOM!
I was innocent, free, full of love, joy; and it was ME!!! Frozen energy immediately released from my guts. My mind exploded in light. It was not a thought, it was REALITY.
"THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!"
Look Your Heart in the Mirror™
Mirror Jewelry
Miraculous Coincidences
I cannot believe what I am about to write. It is beyond coincidence and impossible. But wait a minute. It’s true!!!
When I looked my heart in the mirror, a tidal wave of energy flowed up through me from my guts and light filled my consciousness. I had been in a dark agonizing torturous hell for a long time. The light came and words formed in my mind, but somehow not of my mind: "THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!! Look Your Heart in the Mirror™, Mirror Jewelry."
It took 8-9 months till I got the first sterling silver LYHITM™ pendant from Cheryl Burchell and Silverstone Manufacturing. On a special day soon after, I finished preparing and sent a prospectus to Starbucks, offering them the exclusive right to sell LYHITM™ pendants and greeting cards. It was mid afternoon when I got home and found the October 20 issue of The Rolling Stone in my mailbox. I wanted to go somewhere, to sit and digest what I had accomplished. I put the magazine in my bike basket.
I aimlessly rode, first past a friend’s house, then I thought I’d go to Taco Bell. But, when I saw Pizza Hut along the way, something led me in there. I was in intuitive mode, given the momentous occasion. For the first time in my life, I went to Pizza Hut by myself.
I sat down and ordered salad bar and finished the first plate. I opened The Rolling Stone to the story "Kid Cannabis" and the first words I read were "worked at Pizza Hut in Coeur d’Alene." I was dumbfounded. But in a way, I wasn’t. Such coincidences of a smaller magnitude had been happening to me more and more regularly. I showed the employees and a couple sitting next to me the article. The waitress was worried that the people were going to find out dope dealers used to work at Pizza Hut. This happened within an hour of the magazine arriving in my mailbox, on the VERY DAY I sent the LYHITM prospectus to Starbucks!!!
The next story I opened up to was a two-page spread of Paul McCartney on a humble black bicycle that looked almost exactly like the one I had parked outside. I knew that I was onto something very significant, it was absolutely impossible, but true. I floated out of the restaurant on clouds. Something magical was going on, but I was the only one aware of it. It didn’t change the fact that I was a beggar, living each day on pins and needles, near death from anxiety.
A few weeks later I was telling my landlord, who lives in Rescue, CA, near Sacramento, about the coincidences. He said, "I have tickets to see Paul McCartney in 3 nights." My landlord happened to be the only other person, besides my jeweler, who had a LYHITM™ pendant!!! He had rescued me from homelessness and sure death by investing in LYHITM™, Inc. and letting me live in the house way past the time I should have been evicted. I suggested he give the pendant he had to Paul McCartney, through security at the arena. I don’t know if Sir Paul actually received it, but I do know that I was deeply profoundly affected by the mature and settled melodies he played at the Super Bowl in 2005. It was truly exactly what I felt our culture needed. A deep bond formed in my heart that day with Paul McCartney and his music, and then this truly incalculable coincidence.
When I looked my heart in the mirror, a tidal wave of energy flowed up through me from my guts and light filled my consciousness. I had been in a dark agonizing torturous hell for a long time. The light came and words formed in my mind, but somehow not of my mind: "THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!! Look Your Heart in the Mirror™, Mirror Jewelry."
It took 8-9 months till I got the first sterling silver LYHITM™ pendant from Cheryl Burchell and Silverstone Manufacturing. On a special day soon after, I finished preparing and sent a prospectus to Starbucks, offering them the exclusive right to sell LYHITM™ pendants and greeting cards. It was mid afternoon when I got home and found the October 20 issue of The Rolling Stone in my mailbox. I wanted to go somewhere, to sit and digest what I had accomplished. I put the magazine in my bike basket.
I aimlessly rode, first past a friend’s house, then I thought I’d go to Taco Bell. But, when I saw Pizza Hut along the way, something led me in there. I was in intuitive mode, given the momentous occasion. For the first time in my life, I went to Pizza Hut by myself.
I sat down and ordered salad bar and finished the first plate. I opened The Rolling Stone to the story "Kid Cannabis" and the first words I read were "worked at Pizza Hut in Coeur d’Alene." I was dumbfounded. But in a way, I wasn’t. Such coincidences of a smaller magnitude had been happening to me more and more regularly. I showed the employees and a couple sitting next to me the article. The waitress was worried that the people were going to find out dope dealers used to work at Pizza Hut. This happened within an hour of the magazine arriving in my mailbox, on the VERY DAY I sent the LYHITM prospectus to Starbucks!!!
The next story I opened up to was a two-page spread of Paul McCartney on a humble black bicycle that looked almost exactly like the one I had parked outside. I knew that I was onto something very significant, it was absolutely impossible, but true. I floated out of the restaurant on clouds. Something magical was going on, but I was the only one aware of it. It didn’t change the fact that I was a beggar, living each day on pins and needles, near death from anxiety.
A few weeks later I was telling my landlord, who lives in Rescue, CA, near Sacramento, about the coincidences. He said, "I have tickets to see Paul McCartney in 3 nights." My landlord happened to be the only other person, besides my jeweler, who had a LYHITM™ pendant!!! He had rescued me from homelessness and sure death by investing in LYHITM™, Inc. and letting me live in the house way past the time I should have been evicted. I suggested he give the pendant he had to Paul McCartney, through security at the arena. I don’t know if Sir Paul actually received it, but I do know that I was deeply profoundly affected by the mature and settled melodies he played at the Super Bowl in 2005. It was truly exactly what I felt our culture needed. A deep bond formed in my heart that day with Paul McCartney and his music, and then this truly incalculable coincidence.
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The fun smiley heart graphic at the top of this story is a miracle, too. I was sitting in Starbucks soon after the discovery, and let my hand float across the page and draw what was intuitively in me. The flower represented my ego, which rolled into the pond, representing my submersion. I didn't just keep drawing, to "finish" the picture. There was nothing more to draw that day. A few days later I was sitting in Starbucks again, a barista's laughter touched me, she was so happy, I drew two happy eyes in the sky, representing the enlightened awakening. I turned the eyes into a fish and a bird a few days after that. The curvy lines I made to outline it make it look like a human heart, sort of. A human heart in a mirror, animated by and including nature, well describing the path from ego to spirit and our true nature. It's a living peace sign for the New Age.
The pendant itself, the shape, is a miracle. I had sculpted 500 out of clay by hand, but was at a loss what shape to make the silver pendant. I was walking to Cheryl Burchell, Goldsmiths office and there was a sign on the Winton Elementary School playground fence, the Department of the Interior symbol, a curved triangle with a circle in it. When I saw that shape, I knew it was THE shape. It turns out, that the triangle with a circle in it is an ancient spiritual symbol. In the LYHITM™ pendant, the ancient symbol has been softened and given a spark, and now the essence of spiritual truth is accessible to everyone. It was discovered in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho and Coeur means HEART in French.
A Wankel is the shape inside a Mazda rotary engine, and the heart functions similar to a Wankel engine!!! Here's an excerpt from a scholarly article...
"The force or power of Love is dialectically married to the form or shape love embodies. The heart whispers this spiders web by tilting fields into a nest. The heart is not a pump. It rather throws the blood in a series of vortices whose eddies of coherence carry its message to membranes even beyond the body. The heart is triggered to fire in the fractal nerves of the sino atrial node, by arriving voltage or pressure gradient waves shaped like nested concentric 7-color donuts. The hearts muscle is arranged in 7-layers based on the symmetry of the tetrahedron, which contain the tilts necessary to weave all the platonic solids. The sequence of muscle layers which fire, is determined by the tilt or phase angle of those donut fields or "words" arriving at the heart from the soul. By squeezing the blood first in one axis of tilt and then another in an orderly sequence, a vortex is created in the blood. Think of the shape of the muscles in your hand spiralically sweeping around to spin up a child's top. Thus the heart is kind of like a 3D Wankel engine, or a 3D more than 3 Phase motor. By taking phase sequencing into all possible vortex spins of the tetra, it is able to spit out a sequence vortices or donuts in all tilt angles necessary to complete the "glass bead game" we call creation. This lub/dub/silence... waltz time thump braids the electrical space necessary to make lasting impressions on the immune systems thymus, there like a catchers mitt umbrella around the heart."
Here is the full article.
Here is a graphic showing a Wankel engine.
Six months later, I would realize I had painted a perfect likeness of Coeur d'Alene and my spiritual battle twenty years before I ever saw Coeur d'Alene!!!.
The pendant itself, the shape, is a miracle. I had sculpted 500 out of clay by hand, but was at a loss what shape to make the silver pendant. I was walking to Cheryl Burchell, Goldsmiths office and there was a sign on the Winton Elementary School playground fence, the Department of the Interior symbol, a curved triangle with a circle in it. When I saw that shape, I knew it was THE shape. It turns out, that the triangle with a circle in it is an ancient spiritual symbol. In the LYHITM™ pendant, the ancient symbol has been softened and given a spark, and now the essence of spiritual truth is accessible to everyone. It was discovered in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho and Coeur means HEART in French.
A Wankel is the shape inside a Mazda rotary engine, and the heart functions similar to a Wankel engine!!! Here's an excerpt from a scholarly article...
"The force or power of Love is dialectically married to the form or shape love embodies. The heart whispers this spiders web by tilting fields into a nest. The heart is not a pump. It rather throws the blood in a series of vortices whose eddies of coherence carry its message to membranes even beyond the body. The heart is triggered to fire in the fractal nerves of the sino atrial node, by arriving voltage or pressure gradient waves shaped like nested concentric 7-color donuts. The hearts muscle is arranged in 7-layers based on the symmetry of the tetrahedron, which contain the tilts necessary to weave all the platonic solids. The sequence of muscle layers which fire, is determined by the tilt or phase angle of those donut fields or "words" arriving at the heart from the soul. By squeezing the blood first in one axis of tilt and then another in an orderly sequence, a vortex is created in the blood. Think of the shape of the muscles in your hand spiralically sweeping around to spin up a child's top. Thus the heart is kind of like a 3D Wankel engine, or a 3D more than 3 Phase motor. By taking phase sequencing into all possible vortex spins of the tetra, it is able to spit out a sequence vortices or donuts in all tilt angles necessary to complete the "glass bead game" we call creation. This lub/dub/silence... waltz time thump braids the electrical space necessary to make lasting impressions on the immune systems thymus, there like a catchers mitt umbrella around the heart."
Here is the full article.
Here is a graphic showing a Wankel engine.
Six months later, I would realize I had painted a perfect likeness of Coeur d'Alene and my spiritual battle twenty years before I ever saw Coeur d'Alene!!!.
LYHITM Pendant $45
Eventually I sued the man who tortured me, and his financier, because I would have died if I hadn’t, really. They made a million bucks "overnight" off a real estate deal I showed them. I was named commercial agent of the year at GMAC. Even after I got tortured, (but before I became completely helpless) I set up a $20 million dollar development deal for them, Radiant Lake Estates, on the promise they would pay me and I would be the agent selling the $25,000,000 worth of lots and who knows how much I would eventually make for selling the houses. But, by the time the project came to fruition, I was deranged. I filed the lawsuit after many months of honest and reasonable attempts at resolution. I just wanted to get paid for my work, so I could survive.
With my only remaining nerve, my last dollar, I filed suit on December 7, 2005. December 7th is my older brother’s birthday. I was an innocent little boy, he did bad things to me and corrupted me. December 7th is also Pearl Harbor Day, the day we Americans took heroic action after being severely violated. I didn’t notice whatsoever what date I filed the suit, at the time.
The Defendants in my suit deposed me on Valentine’s Day, 2006. I was so overjoyed and relieved to be able to tell the truth of what happened, I barely noticed at the time that it was Valentine’s Day.
But then, on June 5th, 2006 we had our pre-trial conference, and a hearing on Defendant’s motion. The attorney representing the man who I allege tortured me, said, McPhee will be in my office tomorrow to answer Mr. Johnson's interrogatories. That day was June 6, 2006, or 6/6/6. It was then that I KNEW that God saw what happened, that He was on my side. Problem is, no one else on earth knew it but me, and I was a crippled hated helpless beggar.
The man who I allege tortured me built the man made lake in Rathdrum. I set the project up, worked for a year on it with him, and when it came time to pay me, he was evil. "We don't have to pay you, you're a fly on my ass." I said I would sue, and he said, "Nobody will believe you, you're crazy."
The lake looks like a serpent, surrounding and devouring its prey, which it lures onto the island. The first time I saw the final plat in his office, I almost fainted, it was so powerful, he was so powerful, in command of a massive project. I was just weak weak weak, barely alive. His not paying me, and being a jerk about it, at a time when I was on my back deranged and near death and facing a second eviction, almost killed me. I had held my breath waiting for the money, my landlord waited as I fell behind.
With my only remaining nerve, my last dollar, I filed suit on December 7, 2005. December 7th is my older brother’s birthday. I was an innocent little boy, he did bad things to me and corrupted me. December 7th is also Pearl Harbor Day, the day we Americans took heroic action after being severely violated. I didn’t notice whatsoever what date I filed the suit, at the time.
The Defendants in my suit deposed me on Valentine’s Day, 2006. I was so overjoyed and relieved to be able to tell the truth of what happened, I barely noticed at the time that it was Valentine’s Day.
But then, on June 5th, 2006 we had our pre-trial conference, and a hearing on Defendant’s motion. The attorney representing the man who I allege tortured me, said, McPhee will be in my office tomorrow to answer Mr. Johnson's interrogatories. That day was June 6, 2006, or 6/6/6. It was then that I KNEW that God saw what happened, that He was on my side. Problem is, no one else on earth knew it but me, and I was a crippled hated helpless beggar.
The man who I allege tortured me built the man made lake in Rathdrum. I set the project up, worked for a year on it with him, and when it came time to pay me, he was evil. "We don't have to pay you, you're a fly on my ass." I said I would sue, and he said, "Nobody will believe you, you're crazy."
The lake looks like a serpent, surrounding and devouring its prey, which it lures onto the island. The first time I saw the final plat in his office, I almost fainted, it was so powerful, he was so powerful, in command of a massive project. I was just weak weak weak, barely alive. His not paying me, and being a jerk about it, at a time when I was on my back deranged and near death and facing a second eviction, almost killed me. I had held my breath waiting for the money, my landlord waited as I fell behind.
Radiant Lake, Courtesy Photo, Coeur d'Alene Press
I had told the newspaper and the opposing attorneys in writing, SIX MONTHS EARLIER, that it was an ominous situation, because McPhee's conduct was demonic, and the lake was serpentine, in Rathdrum, a town that had a spat with devil worshipers some years back.
One night, after I sued, I had a threatening altercation with the man. I flipped him off while I was dancing. He came over later and pinned me against the wall. I told him to get out of my face, or I’d put his teeth down his throat. He grabbed my wrist and looked into my eyes as if to say, "I am your master, who are you kidding?" "Don’t fuck with me," is what he actually said. I pulled away and fled. I was terrified to go home, to close my eyes, to sleep. He had a violent temper.
The next evening, I intuitively took an alternate road home from work riding my bike. I saw something lying in the road. I had been finding lots of abandoned things that were like personal gifts from God, so anything out of place that I saw, I took a second look. It was a dagger in a sheath, made in Pakistan.
One night, after I sued, I had a threatening altercation with the man. I flipped him off while I was dancing. He came over later and pinned me against the wall. I told him to get out of my face, or I’d put his teeth down his throat. He grabbed my wrist and looked into my eyes as if to say, "I am your master, who are you kidding?" "Don’t fuck with me," is what he actually said. I pulled away and fled. I was terrified to go home, to close my eyes, to sleep. He had a violent temper.
The next evening, I intuitively took an alternate road home from work riding my bike. I saw something lying in the road. I had been finding lots of abandoned things that were like personal gifts from God, so anything out of place that I saw, I took a second look. It was a dagger in a sheath, made in Pakistan.
Such a feeling of love and being protected came over me. I got home and put the dagger under my pillow and slept like a baby.
The attorney for McPhee called my ex-wife, so I am told, and she went to his office to talk about me, I guess, and he offered her a discount, I am told, and represented her against me in a vicious child support and custody action. It said that I was under employed on purpose, that I quit my job to avoid paying child support, etc. Through the state mental health services, I had requested and received an emergency reduction. I was making $8 an hour after two years of making NOTHING. My child support was $800 per month. I had paid every month for two years, before I went crazy. I was no deadbeat dad.
As if I didn’t feel bad enough already to be a beggar. It traumatized me to be lied about, to be further maligned, to be the target of aggressive legal action by my tormentor’s aggressive arrogant butthead attorney. I was literally near death from anxiety as it was. I did not answer the summons on time (2 days late). The attorney, at the judge’s suggestion, drafted a default judgment against me, assessing child support based upon a five-year-old affidavit verifying income, and strictly limiting my visitation.
My answer was filed the same day the judge signed the default judgment, but too late. The clerk had told me I had to pay a fee, so I went home to get a check. I wondered if it was worth it. I was so broke. The clerk’s error cost me several hours, probably the time during which the judge signed the judgment. There actually was no fee.
I made a motion to the court to set aside the default judgment and we had a hearing on September 11. The law said, that if a person’s neglect to answer a complaint on time could be excused, and if the facts of the case were shown to be at issue, the default judgment should be set aside. That was THE LAW, but THE JUDGE refused my motion to set aside the default judgment. He used a lame excuse to rationalize his decision, not the law. He said, approximately, these matters of custody and support can be re-heard if there is a material change of circumstances. He was arrogant and rude to me personally. I wanted to crush him. I could have killed if I were not the founder of LYHITM™.
I didn’t have the money or the nerve to appeal. It was hell on top of hell. My nervous system was shot; my whole body was completely filled with anxiety 24x7. I was broke. How could I make enough money even to pay the rent, if half went for child support? When would society finally stop torturing me? Why doesn’t anybody care? Pain shot through my body, my heart was like SO fragile, so close to stopping. I could feel it, so WEAK, barely beating.
There was a story in the paper that week about how the same judge freed a convicted robber 2 days into his 2 year sentence, only to see that robber hold up the Big Lots store at gun point several weeks later. Good job, judge. We need to call 911.
The judge in my main case was no better. He ruled on defendants’ motion for summary judgment, that even if my allegations were true, the conduct was just ordinary locker room talk. The defendants had committed prima facie felony perjury, affirming before a notary that they were partners, buying land for the lake, but they weren’t. The judge didn’t care, he said there was no evidence that the two were even principal and agent, and certainly not at the time of the transaction.
The Supreme Court, Court of Appeals was barely better. They completely botched real estate law pertaining to agency, I mean dumb blind and stupid statements ANY person with ANY knowledge of agency law would know. They totally discounted any human element to the case, and made any excuse they could to side with the local judge. They did overturn his "finding" that there was no agency between McPhee and JCAV, but made no mention whatsoever of what the judge's motivation might have been, and whether it mattered.
He was former partners with one of the attorneys against me, I came to find out right before I filed my appeal. All the local judge's "findings" were blatantly obviously wrong and corrupt. You'd never know that, though, reading the Court of Appeals ruling. The Supreme Court refused to review the case, despite the FACT that the Court of Appeals COMPLETELY botched real estate law, bad. The Supreme Court recently visited a Coeur d'Alene High School and said in front of a gymnasium full of students, essentially that they follow the law, whether they like the law or not. They are liars.
At our first hearing, I asked the local judge for leniency in a situation if I might forget to dot an I or cross a T. He lectured me at length about how there would be no leniency, the case would be decided on the law alone. OK, well it wasn't. It was decided on who was a lawyer, who was part of the system, and who paid the money. The law was totally on my side on every issue, the legal system was not. The good guys aren't good.
There are TONS more profound coincidences and spiritual happenings, like my birthday is the same day as Ghandi’s. I found out way after I had told people I was going to be the next Ghandi. My real estate license was listed as valid the day AFTER they signed the contracts for the lake, so the attorneys argued I wasn’t licensed and didn’t have a right to a commission. When I called, the real estate commission said they made a mistake, the data entry person forgot to enter the day they received it, which was the policy, and instead entered the day she entered the data. They changed the license date to THE VERY DAY the contracts were signed, January 5th. Imagine that.
One night, I was out trying to have a good time. A woman danced with me, she was thinking I was going to be her perfect match, until she asked me to buy her a drink. I told her I didn’t have any money; she turned her and lifted nose, literally, like so frigging snobby and mean you just wouldn’t think anyone could be like that. I left. My gym renewal fee was past due, $20; I didn’t have it. I didn’t want to show up again without having the money. I was entrenched, totally dependent on going to the gym and going to coffee every day. It was my only "sanity". I looked down and saw a $20 bill lying on the sidewalk. Unbelievable.
A guy and his wife and kid were living in my house, to help me with rent. I told him bad things were happening to people who were mean to me, that I was chosen by God, given a new revelation. I got home one day and there was a message on my phone, the answering machine had picked up while the guy was talking to somebody from a coin shop, he wanted to know about exchanging foreign money. I knew he and his wife didn’t have any foreign money. I had some worthless Yugoslavian, Italian and other European money in a little purse, souvenirs from when I took a 3 week Eurail tour. I checked the drawer. It was gone. I confronted him immediately. It took a while but he admitted it. Anyway, the guy was moving out, he was mean to me, even though he was the one doing the stealing and lying. He came in the house freaked out and said a dog had come out of nowhere and bit the top of his ear off. It was gross.
Two guys sitting side-by-side outside Starbucks BOTH had their arms in a sling, right after they were BOTH mean to me. One guy refused to testify, I guess, I asked and never heard back. He died in a freak accident. . One guy got his hand burnt at work two days after, and one guy fell off a phone pole and almost died shortly after deriding and insulting me for being helpless. My landlord, who helped me, had his son go from being a good baseball player to becoming a game winning home run hitting hero, player of the year. He also had a very fortunate very early detection of prostate cancer
The pendant shape, which was originally inspired by the shape on the sign, was turned upside down when it was first made, the jeweler didn’t want it to be like the Masonic symbol, she said. I was so happy to see it at the time, I didn’t really care. I didn’t really realize at the time, that my intuitive "decisions" were God’s will. I trusted her judgment when it came to jewelry, what did I know? No one who saw LYHITM, no one who I told about it, NO ONE simply accepted it. Everyone had his or her slant on it. Everyone tried to tell me what it was, what it should be. No one just accepted what I said about it.
The attorney for McPhee called my ex-wife, so I am told, and she went to his office to talk about me, I guess, and he offered her a discount, I am told, and represented her against me in a vicious child support and custody action. It said that I was under employed on purpose, that I quit my job to avoid paying child support, etc. Through the state mental health services, I had requested and received an emergency reduction. I was making $8 an hour after two years of making NOTHING. My child support was $800 per month. I had paid every month for two years, before I went crazy. I was no deadbeat dad.
As if I didn’t feel bad enough already to be a beggar. It traumatized me to be lied about, to be further maligned, to be the target of aggressive legal action by my tormentor’s aggressive arrogant butthead attorney. I was literally near death from anxiety as it was. I did not answer the summons on time (2 days late). The attorney, at the judge’s suggestion, drafted a default judgment against me, assessing child support based upon a five-year-old affidavit verifying income, and strictly limiting my visitation.
My answer was filed the same day the judge signed the default judgment, but too late. The clerk had told me I had to pay a fee, so I went home to get a check. I wondered if it was worth it. I was so broke. The clerk’s error cost me several hours, probably the time during which the judge signed the judgment. There actually was no fee.
I made a motion to the court to set aside the default judgment and we had a hearing on September 11. The law said, that if a person’s neglect to answer a complaint on time could be excused, and if the facts of the case were shown to be at issue, the default judgment should be set aside. That was THE LAW, but THE JUDGE refused my motion to set aside the default judgment. He used a lame excuse to rationalize his decision, not the law. He said, approximately, these matters of custody and support can be re-heard if there is a material change of circumstances. He was arrogant and rude to me personally. I wanted to crush him. I could have killed if I were not the founder of LYHITM™.
I didn’t have the money or the nerve to appeal. It was hell on top of hell. My nervous system was shot; my whole body was completely filled with anxiety 24x7. I was broke. How could I make enough money even to pay the rent, if half went for child support? When would society finally stop torturing me? Why doesn’t anybody care? Pain shot through my body, my heart was like SO fragile, so close to stopping. I could feel it, so WEAK, barely beating.
There was a story in the paper that week about how the same judge freed a convicted robber 2 days into his 2 year sentence, only to see that robber hold up the Big Lots store at gun point several weeks later. Good job, judge. We need to call 911.
The judge in my main case was no better. He ruled on defendants’ motion for summary judgment, that even if my allegations were true, the conduct was just ordinary locker room talk. The defendants had committed prima facie felony perjury, affirming before a notary that they were partners, buying land for the lake, but they weren’t. The judge didn’t care, he said there was no evidence that the two were even principal and agent, and certainly not at the time of the transaction.
The Supreme Court, Court of Appeals was barely better. They completely botched real estate law pertaining to agency, I mean dumb blind and stupid statements ANY person with ANY knowledge of agency law would know. They totally discounted any human element to the case, and made any excuse they could to side with the local judge. They did overturn his "finding" that there was no agency between McPhee and JCAV, but made no mention whatsoever of what the judge's motivation might have been, and whether it mattered.
He was former partners with one of the attorneys against me, I came to find out right before I filed my appeal. All the local judge's "findings" were blatantly obviously wrong and corrupt. You'd never know that, though, reading the Court of Appeals ruling. The Supreme Court refused to review the case, despite the FACT that the Court of Appeals COMPLETELY botched real estate law, bad. The Supreme Court recently visited a Coeur d'Alene High School and said in front of a gymnasium full of students, essentially that they follow the law, whether they like the law or not. They are liars.
At our first hearing, I asked the local judge for leniency in a situation if I might forget to dot an I or cross a T. He lectured me at length about how there would be no leniency, the case would be decided on the law alone. OK, well it wasn't. It was decided on who was a lawyer, who was part of the system, and who paid the money. The law was totally on my side on every issue, the legal system was not. The good guys aren't good.
There are TONS more profound coincidences and spiritual happenings, like my birthday is the same day as Ghandi’s. I found out way after I had told people I was going to be the next Ghandi. My real estate license was listed as valid the day AFTER they signed the contracts for the lake, so the attorneys argued I wasn’t licensed and didn’t have a right to a commission. When I called, the real estate commission said they made a mistake, the data entry person forgot to enter the day they received it, which was the policy, and instead entered the day she entered the data. They changed the license date to THE VERY DAY the contracts were signed, January 5th. Imagine that.
One night, I was out trying to have a good time. A woman danced with me, she was thinking I was going to be her perfect match, until she asked me to buy her a drink. I told her I didn’t have any money; she turned her and lifted nose, literally, like so frigging snobby and mean you just wouldn’t think anyone could be like that. I left. My gym renewal fee was past due, $20; I didn’t have it. I didn’t want to show up again without having the money. I was entrenched, totally dependent on going to the gym and going to coffee every day. It was my only "sanity". I looked down and saw a $20 bill lying on the sidewalk. Unbelievable.
A guy and his wife and kid were living in my house, to help me with rent. I told him bad things were happening to people who were mean to me, that I was chosen by God, given a new revelation. I got home one day and there was a message on my phone, the answering machine had picked up while the guy was talking to somebody from a coin shop, he wanted to know about exchanging foreign money. I knew he and his wife didn’t have any foreign money. I had some worthless Yugoslavian, Italian and other European money in a little purse, souvenirs from when I took a 3 week Eurail tour. I checked the drawer. It was gone. I confronted him immediately. It took a while but he admitted it. Anyway, the guy was moving out, he was mean to me, even though he was the one doing the stealing and lying. He came in the house freaked out and said a dog had come out of nowhere and bit the top of his ear off. It was gross.
Two guys sitting side-by-side outside Starbucks BOTH had their arms in a sling, right after they were BOTH mean to me. One guy refused to testify, I guess, I asked and never heard back. He died in a freak accident. . One guy got his hand burnt at work two days after, and one guy fell off a phone pole and almost died shortly after deriding and insulting me for being helpless. My landlord, who helped me, had his son go from being a good baseball player to becoming a game winning home run hitting hero, player of the year. He also had a very fortunate very early detection of prostate cancer
The pendant shape, which was originally inspired by the shape on the sign, was turned upside down when it was first made, the jeweler didn’t want it to be like the Masonic symbol, she said. I was so happy to see it at the time, I didn’t really care. I didn’t really realize at the time, that my intuitive "decisions" were God’s will. I trusted her judgment when it came to jewelry, what did I know? No one who saw LYHITM, no one who I told about it, NO ONE simply accepted it. Everyone had his or her slant on it. Everyone tried to tell me what it was, what it should be. No one just accepted what I said about it.
The model for the upside down pendant is my daughter, Annette, aka Netty. I named the development design for the Fred Meyer Barn after her; The Cottages at Nettybrook. She hugged me when no one else would; it saved my life. She had her appendix burst during my trauma. I had sensed something terribly wrong with her, and had this horrible premonition I might lose her. She recovered.
A guy from New York emailed me from the LYHITM website, telling me he wanted the pendant, but "right side up". I told him, yeah, that’s the way I wanted it at first. I had the manufacturer flip it; they used a new better sterling silver. It took a while, but when I saw the two pendants, it was like, WOW. They were beautiful! I emailed him and told him I was sending them, that it was the most beautiful jewelry ever created. A few days later, he emailed me. This is what he wrote:
"Received the pendants, they really are beautiful. As I put one of them on I felt like my whole body was transforming. Felt this surge of power, It was least to say very Interesting, I'm at a lost for words on how to describe the feeling that came over me. WOW
Thanks again Mr. Johnson and I will be in touch via email. Peace profound amen"
A guy from New York emailed me from the LYHITM website, telling me he wanted the pendant, but "right side up". I told him, yeah, that’s the way I wanted it at first. I had the manufacturer flip it; they used a new better sterling silver. It took a while, but when I saw the two pendants, it was like, WOW. They were beautiful! I emailed him and told him I was sending them, that it was the most beautiful jewelry ever created. A few days later, he emailed me. This is what he wrote:
"Received the pendants, they really are beautiful. As I put one of them on I felt like my whole body was transforming. Felt this surge of power, It was least to say very Interesting, I'm at a lost for words on how to describe the feeling that came over me. WOW
Thanks again Mr. Johnson and I will be in touch via email. Peace profound amen"
Has this ever happened before in the history of the world? I doubt it. The head in this picture is an intuitive purchase I made in Germany one day, ambling through the stores, I saw it, I loved it, the girl I was with said "kauf ihn" which means "buy him." I did. The God eye, referenced in spiritual enlightenment teaching, has never before been illustrated so vividly, thanks to my intuitive decision and the girl I was with, twenty years earlier.
Deepak Chorpa’s book, "The Way of the Wizard" says impossible coincidences, too personal to be coincidences, will start happening to you when you approach God. It is utterly amazing that such a thing could be "predictable", but it OBVIOUSLY is. WOW.
I think that all these things, the coincidences, the suffering, the mission, the revelation, the bizarre impossible interconnection of all the factors; I think that all of it was GOD (actually Goddess) creating a new spiritual not religious religion, a TRUE religion, based on Reality, Look Your Heart in the Mirror™, LYHITM.
The miracle of LYHITM is that until now, the heart was never, by a simple exercise, directly accessible, it was always kind of some vague thing, referencing emotions or some kind of higher truer voice. Your heart is actually your true identity; no name, no memory, no image, no religion, no personality or thought required. What you see in the mirror isn't you, it's your image.
Deepak Chorpa’s book, "The Way of the Wizard" says impossible coincidences, too personal to be coincidences, will start happening to you when you approach God. It is utterly amazing that such a thing could be "predictable", but it OBVIOUSLY is. WOW.
I think that all these things, the coincidences, the suffering, the mission, the revelation, the bizarre impossible interconnection of all the factors; I think that all of it was GOD (actually Goddess) creating a new spiritual not religious religion, a TRUE religion, based on Reality, Look Your Heart in the Mirror™, LYHITM.
The miracle of LYHITM is that until now, the heart was never, by a simple exercise, directly accessible, it was always kind of some vague thing, referencing emotions or some kind of higher truer voice. Your heart is actually your true identity; no name, no memory, no image, no religion, no personality or thought required. What you see in the mirror isn't you, it's your image.
QUOTES
The first are from Deepak Chopra’s "The Way of the Wizard" and the others from A.H. Almaas’ "The Inner Journey Home".
"The Way of the Wizard"
In the rubble of devastation and disaster are buried hidden treasure."
"Centuries of knowledge are compressed in revelatory moments."
"When you seek, begin in your heart. The cave of the heart is the home of truth."
"Having no reflection, you have no self-image. When you’re not distracted by self-image, you can only be in the state of innocence."
"A decision must be made, in the recesses of your heart, between the known, which is stale but familiar, and the unknown, which is fresh, a field of infinite possibilities."
"The uncertainty you feel inside is the doorway to wisdom."
"You must first be chaos before you can be a dancing star."
"Seekers are offered clues all the time from the world of spirit. Ordinary people call these clues coincidences. To a wizard there are no coincidences."
"The ego’s struggle is a form of opposition to life, because it seeks to impose artificial life."
"To a wizard, all desires begin in the same place, at that point where life simply wants to express itself; it is the obstruction or condemnation of desire that creates the problem."
"The return of the magical can only happen with the return of innocence."
"The Inner Journey Home"
…the universe is a theophany, and its changes are the life of God."
"…when a person identifies with a particular self concept, they become dissociated from the immediacy of their essential presence."
"In the total self-realization of true nature, the soul is not self-reflective, for true nature does not look at itself. It recognizes itself by being itself."
"…the individual form goes through a process of death, and the rebirth is the arising of divine love as the oneness of all existence."
"One sees that true nature is an ocean of love, that is always present regardless of the experience of the soul, and that there are universal principles through which it operates, different from the functioning of separate entities."
"Heaven, it turns out, is always here, but only the purified and sincere soul can enter it. And the price is her head, her independent selfhood."
"We are all in God’s mind, as God’s thoughts; so are all objects both inner and outer."
"Ultimate truth and manifest reality are completely one, totally coemergent. We cannot separate the spiritual presence from the physical forms; they are actually one when our mind is not in the way."
"We may recognize here how our individual minds are reflections of universal mind, microcosms of the macrocosmic mind."
"Society has tried puritanical control of the animal soul, but this has failed just as license fails. Only the balanced harmonious integration of the complete human adult can approach it correctly; only by integrating the soul’s full potential, including the spiritual, can we truly civilize the animal soul."
The first are from Deepak Chopra’s "The Way of the Wizard" and the others from A.H. Almaas’ "The Inner Journey Home".
"The Way of the Wizard"
In the rubble of devastation and disaster are buried hidden treasure."
"Centuries of knowledge are compressed in revelatory moments."
"When you seek, begin in your heart. The cave of the heart is the home of truth."
"Having no reflection, you have no self-image. When you’re not distracted by self-image, you can only be in the state of innocence."
"A decision must be made, in the recesses of your heart, between the known, which is stale but familiar, and the unknown, which is fresh, a field of infinite possibilities."
"The uncertainty you feel inside is the doorway to wisdom."
"You must first be chaos before you can be a dancing star."
"Seekers are offered clues all the time from the world of spirit. Ordinary people call these clues coincidences. To a wizard there are no coincidences."
"The ego’s struggle is a form of opposition to life, because it seeks to impose artificial life."
"To a wizard, all desires begin in the same place, at that point where life simply wants to express itself; it is the obstruction or condemnation of desire that creates the problem."
"The return of the magical can only happen with the return of innocence."
"The Inner Journey Home"
…the universe is a theophany, and its changes are the life of God."
"…when a person identifies with a particular self concept, they become dissociated from the immediacy of their essential presence."
"In the total self-realization of true nature, the soul is not self-reflective, for true nature does not look at itself. It recognizes itself by being itself."
"…the individual form goes through a process of death, and the rebirth is the arising of divine love as the oneness of all existence."
"One sees that true nature is an ocean of love, that is always present regardless of the experience of the soul, and that there are universal principles through which it operates, different from the functioning of separate entities."
"Heaven, it turns out, is always here, but only the purified and sincere soul can enter it. And the price is her head, her independent selfhood."
"We are all in God’s mind, as God’s thoughts; so are all objects both inner and outer."
"Ultimate truth and manifest reality are completely one, totally coemergent. We cannot separate the spiritual presence from the physical forms; they are actually one when our mind is not in the way."
"We may recognize here how our individual minds are reflections of universal mind, microcosms of the macrocosmic mind."
"Society has tried puritanical control of the animal soul, but this has failed just as license fails. Only the balanced harmonious integration of the complete human adult can approach it correctly; only by integrating the soul’s full potential, including the spiritual, can we truly civilize the animal soul."
Back to the Story
Around the time my girlfriend dumped me, I had two tickets to see Radiohead in Seattle. I begged her to go with me, but she wouldn’t, she’d never heard of them, so they must not be good. She was a snob like that. I got to the concert, and as I drove into the parking lot, my mind went over the cliff, all gone, good bye Jay. But then there was newness about me. The attendants guided me into a parking spot, but I wasn’t ready to get squeezed between two cars. I stopped about half way in; despite the pull of my conditioned behavior, I did what I wanted, right now. It was empowering. After a few minutes I pulled the car the rest of the way in, but I wasn’t ready to get out.
I put in the Radiohead CD "OK Computer" and cranked the volume. It’s really drifty powerful beautiful music. I fainted without knowing it. When I came to I realized I had wet my pants. I got out of the car and walked toward the concert in wet jeans. The pants aren’t me, I’m going the concert, not my pants. In early grade school I was ashamed to ask to go to the bathroom, so lots of times I walked through the hallways in deep shame. Once I crapped my pants, and had to ride the school bus home. I hid my underwear in the top of my closet. No one ever said anything. I guess it was one of those areas where people are unable to talk. Regression is interesting. It helped a lot when I was recovering to relive powerfully emotional scenes from my childhood, tension released, more of my soul became "available".
I let down ALL my guard as I walked into the stadium. I found a spot and laid spread eagle on the grass, looking up into the sky and letting my soul drift, totally unprotected. The music was beautiful. There was love all around me. After a while, I got up and walked. I surveyed the stadium and all the people and the earth and the sky with my bare soul. It was all one, it was all inside me, I was an angel, a spirit. The experience lasted the duration of the concert; all Reality came alive like I’d never experienced it before.
At the end, as people were leaving, I felt stiff; so I reached down to touch my toes. It felt good, so I stayed that way. Tons of people walked past. Security guards came immediately. Three of them tried to rouse me out of my unconditioned behavior. "Get back to normal mister." I finally straightened up and asked them if it was against the rules to touch your toes, then walked away and had an epiphany. I was totally aware of the eternity of now. Two girls noticed and my spirit brought them close, and I told them what I was experiencing, "It’s always right now." They were deeply affected, their spirits entered the realm I was in, it was so innocent, I was a leader. But then my conditioned mind kicked in, "those are girls," objects of desire. They felt the break in spirit and left. I was alone. I had to find my car; I hadn’t slept for three nights. It took hours, and then more hours getting out of the jammed parking lot, and then I had to drive five more hours in the middle of the night, back to the hell life I had left, with all hope of recovering my lost love, gone. I ran out of gas in the middle of the night, on and on, the story of my hell trip home. I had no idea that this hell would intensify times a thousand, that this trip and the heartbreak was only the bare beginning of what seemed like eternity in the black hole of psychiatric death, inestimable agony and torture.
My bodily experience and personality became more and more constricted, anxious, angry, twisted and tense. My soul automatically repressed all the experiences. My "friend" injected more and more poisonous hate and domination into my consciousness and eventually took complete control of my mind and soul. I was toast, a crinkled vegetable. He was calm as a morning cup of coffee. It’s called the Stockholm syndrome, I think, where a torture victim seeks comfort from his torturer. I guess because no one else can know what happened. He prowled like a roaring lion around his office (address was 6640-6680) as I laid on his couch, heart beating frantically, mind completely frazzled and useless. Surely if I surrendered completely to him he would relent and reconcile? He didn’t. I felt myself dying, he was right in front of me. I was sitting, dying, some remembrance of who I was, some little speck of life in me, that I had touched during my depth meditation, said NO. Do not die. I stood up, barely able to. He said, "That’s better." It was SO god-awful to be that weak.
A private plane crashed on the lake right near McPhee’s house. He jumped on his jet ski and pulled the man out of the plane seconds before it exploded. She drove by his house and saw the news and emergency vehicles. He was so wonderful, a hero in the news, he was building a man made lake subdivision. I was a pathetic wretch. Radiohead has a song, on the CD I was listening to when I fainted, "Pull me out of the air crash." Is that crazy or what?
The torture was SO profound, my intentions were SO good, it HAD to be some kind of divinely orchestrated comedic tragedy. I told everyone on-line and in person that women fawn for studs and average guys get the polite puppet show, I had seen it while I was watching people at dance clubs. She fawned for him over and over, right under my nose. I was tortured by… Reality. It was God’s justice, I guess, a sort of punishment, for me being so cocky about Reality.
I did a video of myself for a Rolling Stone Magazine Reality Show contest about 6 months after the Kid Cannabis coincidence. If you won you’d be a writer for the Rolling Stone. I didn’t send it, because I got to Fedex five minutes late. I thought maybe I was supposed to be on the show, maybe it was destiny, but it wasn’t. It was good I did the video, though, so it would be documented visually what I looked like. My guts were pinched so tight around the projectile, that when I reached for something, I looked like a sick creepy sex offender. Maybe no one has ever moved like that in human history, it was SO weird. I submitted the video into evidence, but the judge didn’t care, I guess.
It was a black hole pulling all my experience into it, a twister pulling everything into hell, the penetration caused by his words, "Bend over, I'll drive". It was EXTREMELY violent. My body/mind/soul reacted absolutely exactly as though I was forcefully sodomized by a large and powerful man. I was literally ripped to shreds, especially in my loins, energy was stripped from everywhere, arms, legs, even my ears and nose had energy flow back into them from my guts, it felt really cool. My emotions, my whole world, love, friendship, all meaning was a swirling poisonous spiral, black hole; hatred and death. My psyche went into shock, frozen in the punctured position, crippled. The projectile was lodged inside in image form for THREE years, until I finally meditated through hell deep enough to "see" it.
As it then moved upward, we're talking a year's long walk upwards, the demonic penis would jackhammer my head for hours on one Easter Sunday it went on for six hours straight. Just generally, it was a huge monster that took up the majority of my soul, if felt like I was carrying a giant inflatable watermelon in front of me, not sometimes, every second of my life.
Self Portrait during trauma, mind frazzled, snakes, Radiant Lake is the nose, me on my back is the mouth. When people saw me they hated me instantly, especially my eyes, which were in my guts.
This is a picture of me just before I left for Germany, age 27; hard to imagine I'd become a deranged madman. I won linguistic competetions and physical fitness competitions and went to grad school and immersed myself in the life of local people everywhere I went while I was travelling in the army. I wanted to be a diplomat and I was one.
Imagine being mentally and emotionally helpless, traumatized near death, radically shafted over and over again by the "good guys," sitting on a revelation from God, and no one cares, the newspapers refuse to breathe a word. It’s not like there’s a game show, "will the real sex offender please stand up." Most everyone in Coeur d'Alene spread rumors I was a sex offender due to my derangement, and I could not shake the rumors, no matter where I went and how I tried, NO ONE would do ANYTHING to help me.
I undertook my deep-sea quest for hidden treasure because I was sure there was something yet undiscovered that would enlighten our society so future generations would not have to live under the repressive ignorant societal forces that I did. The method I chose, ego suicide, was appropriate for the mission. To find something buried in the depths, you have to go to the depths. To be an open wound you have to be open to wounding. All the gore and hate that we hide behind our fake smiles was poured into me. I had to process it all, ruthlessly heaped upon my suffering, agony, crippling, humiliation, and relentless poverty. God humbled me beyond any calculation and then he lifted me out by equally incalculable means. Just like the lettuce, I am rising from the depths of disintegration to the top of the pool to the amazement of spectators.
I had faith. I knew that my condition could not be God’s final answer. I knew that Reality was God. "The Inner Journey Home" by A.H. Almaas says, no matter what the perception of the soul is, we are the life of God, the world is a theophany. When I saw that book on the bookshelf at Hastings, I knew it was the truth, the ultimate truth. I knew that if I let Reality be, let it do what it was doing inside my body, if I let God heal me, He would. The Inner Journey Home explained in simple language how God/Reality works, how the human soul reacts to experience, etc.
What I went through has never been gone through in human history, I am sure of it. There is no way a "normal" human being could process what I have had to process, and there is no way I would have been able to process it, if I had not found the profound truth that I found, Look Your Heart in the Mirror™. LYHITM, the initials of Look Your Heart in the Mirror™, can be: Love You, HI, Trust Me. Your heart’s answer to you when you LYHITM, is Love You, Hi, Trust Me! One of the incredible realizations I had along the way was that the initials were powerful. The words were powerful, the concept was powerful, the actual doing of it was powerful; but the most amazing thing was that nobody, as far as I knew, had ever said it, thought it, or discovered the concept.
LYHITM™ is the primary most fundamental way to discover the most essential truth in the universe, pure and simple. You are not your self-image. You are your experience, always right now. You are hate, love, judgment, anxiety, joy etc., whatever your experience is, that's what you are, right now. You are not an object in a container; you are a stream of divine energy, love, intelligence, etc. You are nothing that you can claim or remember. Whatever is in the way of the stream; your fear, your image, your baggage, your stances; all are accumulated upon the original infantile fear, that you are separate from the rest of Reality, and must perform or be a certain way to be accepted or noticed.
Motivations to learn and grow and succeed, to fall in love and be happy, to be a good mother or father are not wrong, they just are never going to be the answer to those very deepest most true yearnings, for innocence. truth, peace, wisdom and natural love. This is not the best time for me to write advice for anyone, since I'm still dazed and in shock somewhat. But let's just say what I've learned, what I've been forced to learn in order to stay alive, has probably never been learned inhuman history. How does one extricate oneself from a black hole? It was a literally a black hole. I could describe to any scientific expert what was happening and it would be exactly what they've observed in the outer universe. "I am the universe" is what I told myself many thousands of times, and "Reality is God" is what I told myself each time I had to go in deeper and face more tormented hell than even the day before. It never got easier, only harder and more intense as I became very slowly stronger and more accustomed to the process.
I personally believe I was spiritually visited by a man whom I loved, who had recently passed away, who had said when I was little, that I would be very special someday. I wrote a poem for his family for his funeral that said he was still here, just in a different form. That day, Easter Sunday, my windshield wipers came on, then off, on then off, etc. It was rhythmic like a conversation. It had never happened before and didn’t happen again. I had been in hell; almost zero connection to other people for a year. It was SO nice to be in a conversation. I am not making this up. The man who died drove an old International Scout. When I got to Starbucks, there was an old International Scout parked outside. I wept tears of joy. I believe his spirit visited me. I believe we are ETERNALLY God’s spirit, no matter what.
Commands and scriptures are pathetic attempts to communicate what the heart knows by NATURE. As I was tortured and near death, nearly breathless, heart nearly stopped, terrifying voltage, felt directly, life connection on one thin fragile tiny circuit... I opened myself to the possibility that I was wrong about the Bible, that my soul would be a testimony to the Bible God. Nope. I wasn’t wrong about the Bible or Jesus. I was right. And that’s why the Goddess chose me, to be Her New Age Messiah.
I became a huge fan of Lost, the TV Show on ABC. I wrote my thoughts on the show on a forum, and since it is a spiritual show, my thoughts about it have proven prophetic. Egyptians believed in Ma'at, Mother Nature, Supreme Goddess, Reality, the Universe, as sort of a living deity, like Almaas says, except feminine.
Anyway, during my torture, soon after the Season 5 Finale of Lost, which I predicted to a "t", I had a conversation with an enlightened guy who had vast knowledge of Egypt and various spiritual histories, and he impressed upon me that Egypt was really the first major civilization to go away from worshiping the Goddess. When he said that, it struck me. A couple days later or so, I was lying on my bed, in agony, soul gyrating around the point of singularity in a black hole, really. A voice was there, feminine, that said, "I'm very angry, Tefnut cooking." It didn't shake me or move me at all. It was just there.
A week later or so, I told the Lost forum about it, that the Goddess spoke to me, and almost everyone thought I'm a loony tune. Eventually they banned me, so I went to another site and posted for six months and then I told the old site I was there, to check out my theory, and the old site slandered me and convinced them to ban me. I was instantly banned at another site, but I wrote them and pleaded and they let me post. I then became the only person in the world to decode the main message of Lost.
There were two airlines in the show, Oceanic and Ajira. Oceanic is the feeling mystics use to describe the feeling of presence on a spiritual level. Ajira means island in Hindi, and Ajira is an acronym for Anti Jacob Infected Richard Alpert. It's the fundamental aspect of the show, religion vs. spirituality. Anti Jacob Infected Richard Alpert. Alpert represented the pope, the go between for Jacob, he denied Jacob three times, etc.. Ajira flight 316 was related to John 3:16 and Oceanic flight 815 was the divine ratio 8/5.
During my torture, there was a crown of thorns inside my brains and a spear in my belly, and because of all the coincidences, and because of the reason why I went on a mission in the first place, I called myself the New Age Messiah before the Goddess spoke to me, and She didn't correct me.
© Copyright, 2009, LYHITM, Inc.
Imagine being mentally and emotionally helpless, traumatized near death, radically shafted over and over again by the "good guys," sitting on a revelation from God, and no one cares, the newspapers refuse to breathe a word. It’s not like there’s a game show, "will the real sex offender please stand up." Most everyone in Coeur d'Alene spread rumors I was a sex offender due to my derangement, and I could not shake the rumors, no matter where I went and how I tried, NO ONE would do ANYTHING to help me.
I undertook my deep-sea quest for hidden treasure because I was sure there was something yet undiscovered that would enlighten our society so future generations would not have to live under the repressive ignorant societal forces that I did. The method I chose, ego suicide, was appropriate for the mission. To find something buried in the depths, you have to go to the depths. To be an open wound you have to be open to wounding. All the gore and hate that we hide behind our fake smiles was poured into me. I had to process it all, ruthlessly heaped upon my suffering, agony, crippling, humiliation, and relentless poverty. God humbled me beyond any calculation and then he lifted me out by equally incalculable means. Just like the lettuce, I am rising from the depths of disintegration to the top of the pool to the amazement of spectators.
I had faith. I knew that my condition could not be God’s final answer. I knew that Reality was God. "The Inner Journey Home" by A.H. Almaas says, no matter what the perception of the soul is, we are the life of God, the world is a theophany. When I saw that book on the bookshelf at Hastings, I knew it was the truth, the ultimate truth. I knew that if I let Reality be, let it do what it was doing inside my body, if I let God heal me, He would. The Inner Journey Home explained in simple language how God/Reality works, how the human soul reacts to experience, etc.
What I went through has never been gone through in human history, I am sure of it. There is no way a "normal" human being could process what I have had to process, and there is no way I would have been able to process it, if I had not found the profound truth that I found, Look Your Heart in the Mirror™. LYHITM, the initials of Look Your Heart in the Mirror™, can be: Love You, HI, Trust Me. Your heart’s answer to you when you LYHITM, is Love You, Hi, Trust Me! One of the incredible realizations I had along the way was that the initials were powerful. The words were powerful, the concept was powerful, the actual doing of it was powerful; but the most amazing thing was that nobody, as far as I knew, had ever said it, thought it, or discovered the concept.
LYHITM™ is the primary most fundamental way to discover the most essential truth in the universe, pure and simple. You are not your self-image. You are your experience, always right now. You are hate, love, judgment, anxiety, joy etc., whatever your experience is, that's what you are, right now. You are not an object in a container; you are a stream of divine energy, love, intelligence, etc. You are nothing that you can claim or remember. Whatever is in the way of the stream; your fear, your image, your baggage, your stances; all are accumulated upon the original infantile fear, that you are separate from the rest of Reality, and must perform or be a certain way to be accepted or noticed.
Motivations to learn and grow and succeed, to fall in love and be happy, to be a good mother or father are not wrong, they just are never going to be the answer to those very deepest most true yearnings, for innocence. truth, peace, wisdom and natural love. This is not the best time for me to write advice for anyone, since I'm still dazed and in shock somewhat. But let's just say what I've learned, what I've been forced to learn in order to stay alive, has probably never been learned inhuman history. How does one extricate oneself from a black hole? It was a literally a black hole. I could describe to any scientific expert what was happening and it would be exactly what they've observed in the outer universe. "I am the universe" is what I told myself many thousands of times, and "Reality is God" is what I told myself each time I had to go in deeper and face more tormented hell than even the day before. It never got easier, only harder and more intense as I became very slowly stronger and more accustomed to the process.
I personally believe I was spiritually visited by a man whom I loved, who had recently passed away, who had said when I was little, that I would be very special someday. I wrote a poem for his family for his funeral that said he was still here, just in a different form. That day, Easter Sunday, my windshield wipers came on, then off, on then off, etc. It was rhythmic like a conversation. It had never happened before and didn’t happen again. I had been in hell; almost zero connection to other people for a year. It was SO nice to be in a conversation. I am not making this up. The man who died drove an old International Scout. When I got to Starbucks, there was an old International Scout parked outside. I wept tears of joy. I believe his spirit visited me. I believe we are ETERNALLY God’s spirit, no matter what.
Commands and scriptures are pathetic attempts to communicate what the heart knows by NATURE. As I was tortured and near death, nearly breathless, heart nearly stopped, terrifying voltage, felt directly, life connection on one thin fragile tiny circuit... I opened myself to the possibility that I was wrong about the Bible, that my soul would be a testimony to the Bible God. Nope. I wasn’t wrong about the Bible or Jesus. I was right. And that’s why the Goddess chose me, to be Her New Age Messiah.
I became a huge fan of Lost, the TV Show on ABC. I wrote my thoughts on the show on a forum, and since it is a spiritual show, my thoughts about it have proven prophetic. Egyptians believed in Ma'at, Mother Nature, Supreme Goddess, Reality, the Universe, as sort of a living deity, like Almaas says, except feminine.
Anyway, during my torture, soon after the Season 5 Finale of Lost, which I predicted to a "t", I had a conversation with an enlightened guy who had vast knowledge of Egypt and various spiritual histories, and he impressed upon me that Egypt was really the first major civilization to go away from worshiping the Goddess. When he said that, it struck me. A couple days later or so, I was lying on my bed, in agony, soul gyrating around the point of singularity in a black hole, really. A voice was there, feminine, that said, "I'm very angry, Tefnut cooking." It didn't shake me or move me at all. It was just there.
A week later or so, I told the Lost forum about it, that the Goddess spoke to me, and almost everyone thought I'm a loony tune. Eventually they banned me, so I went to another site and posted for six months and then I told the old site I was there, to check out my theory, and the old site slandered me and convinced them to ban me. I was instantly banned at another site, but I wrote them and pleaded and they let me post. I then became the only person in the world to decode the main message of Lost.
There were two airlines in the show, Oceanic and Ajira. Oceanic is the feeling mystics use to describe the feeling of presence on a spiritual level. Ajira means island in Hindi, and Ajira is an acronym for Anti Jacob Infected Richard Alpert. It's the fundamental aspect of the show, religion vs. spirituality. Anti Jacob Infected Richard Alpert. Alpert represented the pope, the go between for Jacob, he denied Jacob three times, etc.. Ajira flight 316 was related to John 3:16 and Oceanic flight 815 was the divine ratio 8/5.
During my torture, there was a crown of thorns inside my brains and a spear in my belly, and because of all the coincidences, and because of the reason why I went on a mission in the first place, I called myself the New Age Messiah before the Goddess spoke to me, and She didn't correct me.
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